I want to start out by saying that this is a pro-environment joke, just FYI. So keep that in mind. It’s important.
One time I was on a road trip with my friend Jerry deep in woods of northern California. We were driving on a small two-lane road late at night and our car broke down.
We pulled over to the side of the road and we didn’t know what to do. There was nothing within sight. No towns within dozens of miles. Complete darkness.
But, we saw off on the side of the road there was a sign that said “Motel: 3 Miles.” And so we thought, “Okay, let’s grab a change of clothes and head off. Maybe we can get someone to help us with the car in the morning.” So we grabbed some stuff and left the car to find this motel.
Down a ways, the road split and the path to the motel took us on a dirt side road into the woods. Creepy. But we had no choice. We kept going.
After we had been walking down the side road for what seemed like forever, suddenly I looked around and realized that Jerry had completely disappeared. I looked around everywhere:nothing. I was freaking out. I yelled, “Jerry, Jerry! Where are you Jerry?” out into the dark woods.
But there was only silence.
After thinking it over, I realized that there was really only one option: I had to keep going. Maybe Jerry had gotten sidetracked or lost somehow. Or maybe he was just fooling around and I would catch up with him at the motel.
So I kept walking.
Eventually, I reached the motel. I went inside and there was a really eerie looking clerk behind the counter. He had eyes that sort or looked through you rather than at you and he only had four teeth that came together jack-o-lantern style.
And he said, “How lucky! We only have one room left.” And then he winked at me, which is especially creepy if a person essentially has two lazy eyes.
I thought, “I guess I don’t really have a choice.” He showed me to my room, slowly closed the door, and bid me “night-y night.”
I kept thinking, “Where is Jerry?”
I looked around the room. It seemed pretty quaint. Pretty bare. Nothing to catch the eye. Except a large chest of drawers, a huge dresser that stood next to the bed.
I got ready to go to sleep. Washed my face, kicked off my shoes. I decided I would put my change of clothes in the dresser for the next morning.
I approached the dresser slowly. It looked strange to me. Like it was holding a secret.
Where was Jerry?
I kneeled and pulled open the drawer.
I looked down. And I saw…a body. I saw the most gruesome, mangled, chopped up, brutally murdered corpse of a body inside that drawer. It was the most repulsive thing I’ve ever seen. It took everything in me to keep from vomiting.
And then I recognized the body; It was my friend. The tree.
You see it was a tree because the dresser was made out of wood which is a dead tree. I told you guys this was a pro-environment joke! I don’t know why you didn’t see that coming!
If you thought the body was my friend Jerry, that just doesn’t make sense…how could he have been murdered and stuffed into the drawer at the motel by the time I got there? Time-wise it just doesn’t make sense.
Jerry was just pissing out in the woods somewhere. He was only a few minutes behind! Jerry was fine! What isn’t fine is that every single day millions of trees are chopped down in rainforests all across the world and all you care about is Jerry! It’s time to start worrying about the real issues in this world and not about silly stories with a guy whose only identifiable quality is that his name sounds funny.
And if you thought the creepy clerk guy killed Jerry, that makes even less sense! How would he have time to murder Jerry, chop up his body, put all the pieces in the room, and then be back at the desk to welcome me? Impossible.
You’re just being stereotypical because he looked weird. He was actually extremely helpful the next morning when we were trying to get our car fixed the next morning. In fact, he offered us a ride to the nearest mechanic thirteen miles away.
So I guess the lesson here is that you should really try not to judge a book by its cover. And also don’t kill trees.