Tag: funny

FYI I’m Not Dead!

Oh, hey everyone! I just wanted to make it clear that I’m still alive and just as into this blogging thing as ever. In fact, I’m more alive. If that’s possible? Idk, I’ve been working out a little so that makes somewhat sense. I’ve also kept writing stuff and I have plenty of sweet, hot, juicy content ready to publish.

BUT – something really cool is happening: I’m working with a friend to re-launch my site and make it look prettier. And I’m gonna upload a bunch of new content along with it. What do you say? “PRETTY COOL!” That’s what you say. And I agree, smart person! You clever dog, you!

Okay. I just want you to know. Get ready for an increase in general awesomeness. Cuz people have been all, “What are you doing…did you give up on blogging?” Hardly. I’m doubling down!!! And I’m going to make things amazing!!!

Also, I’m always tweeting tons of really cool stand up articles, videos, and other stuff on my twitter account. In fact, that’s where all the COOL STUFF will be from now on, as I’m trying to streamline my content. Check it out!

In closing, fun fact about me: sometimes, I wake up in the morning as Jimmy Neutron.

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Things I Remember From Seeing The Book Of Mormon A Few Months Ago

I saw The Book of Mormon on Broadway a few months ago. If I tell people that, they’ll always be like, “Oh! What did you think?!” This is what I think.

  • Definitely get someone else to buy tickets for you.
  • There’s a lot of singing in musicals. Like, most of the time I’d say.
  • The characters don’t all talk in South Park voices.
  • Every mormon boy in the world is insanely fit except for Elder Cunningham.
  • A lot of the performers have comedy-related backgrounds.
  • The dudes who play mormon boys are like 57 years old, so theater is more about musical talent than accuracy.
  • There are many jokes in it.
  • Mormons wear weird pajamas.
  • The “The Book of Mormon” props they use on stage are all filled with blank pages – it is a ruse. Here’s an idea: put the script in there. Whoa. You’re welcome, Broadway.
  • There’s lots of AIDS in Uganda.
  • Typically, there are two main acts in a Broadway musical.
  • After Act I, I was like “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen in the entire world.”
  • After Act II, I was like “That was pretty good.”
  • It’s a satire of a musical that’s still totally a musical, i.e. it’s guilty of things it’s trying to satirize sometimes.
  • I liked it.

Bullshit Is Entertaining

Hello! I’ve been working hard on this story so that I could submit it to a comedy festival…and I just finished it! It’s a story about a trip I took to New Orleans with my grandpa. It’s pretty damn long, but I really do like it a lot. I’m not just saying that. Give it a darn minute of your time and see if you like it!

Continue reading “Bullshit Is Entertaining” →

Two Views On Political Correctness: John Cleese And Paul F. Tompkins

I’ve been sitting on these two videos for a while, not realizing that they totally go together. They are both about political correctness. So they go together. But they are opposing views. So I’m putting them together.

John Cleese thinks “we can’t have comedy and political correctness at the same time.”

Paul F. Tompkins thinks “political correctness keeps comedy fresh.”

There are more subtleties to their arguments than that. So, watch these videos because they are interesting and you’re a smart person who really likes watching interesting things! You can find more about the John Cleese video here. You can find a transcription of what Tompkins says in his video here. You can find nothing here.

I didn’t know what the big think (the people who made these videos) was before now, but it seems pretty cool. Here.

What’s Up With Dolphins?!

What’s up with dolphins?! Right?!?!? Are we on board with this? You better get on board cuz we’re on the dolphin hating boat and we’re going for a ride.

Why do so many people like dolphins? Huh?!

Especially, like, 6-12 year old girls.

Dolphins dominate the school supplies of 6-12 year old girls! Why?!

I wonder if they tried other animals first. Like, they put a gopher on a folder and it didn’t sell. So they put it on an orange background, but the gopher/orange combination didn’t work. And then they tried a dolphin with pink and for whatever reason it totally worked, even though dolphins are basically the gopher of the sea.

Do you think the school supply people were pissed when the naked mole rat worked out for Kim Possible? They were all like, “We tried that in the 90’s and nobody bought it!”

Do you think dolphins are obsessed with 6-12 year old girls? Like pedophilic dolphins? I DON’T THINK SO. Girls are weird! And friggin’ creepy. You should never like an animal that much.

 

 

 

…don’t even get me started on horses…

Neigh?! NEIGH?!?!

Why are you making that sound? Why must you whinny? YOU ARE NOT A POOH! Are you confused? There is only one animal who can winnie and it is a fictional gender questionable bear named Pooh.

You have hooves. Which are basically the closest to shoes that feet can get. But then you’re like “Oh no, I need special ‘horse shoes,’ which can only be used for 1) my feet or 2) a silly game that cowboys and weird old smelly men play.” You’re not special, horse. You don’t need special shoes.

What’s so great about horses?! Come on little girls, get a grip!

 

 

 

…don’t even get me started on unicorns…

“The Fifty Best Comedy Clubs In America” – ClickitTicket

Have you ever been like, “Hey! I like comedy, but I have no idea where comedy happens! Do people do it in nail salons? Or, like a shoebox?” Well, actually it’s neither of those things: it’s comedy clubs. Oh no…but which ones are good?

Well, lucky you: the nice fellows at ClickitTicket shared this list of the best fifty comedy clubs in America with me and I think it’s pretty good! On this list there are a lot of great clubs that I know or have heard great things about: The Creek & the Cave (NYC), Meltdown Comics (L.A.), Acme Comedy Club (Minneapolis), Comedy Works (Denver), The Setup (San Francisco), Upright Citizens Brigade Theater (NYC, L.A.). And there are some lesser known gems, too. So, no matter where you are in this wonderful country, you can go: “Oh wow now I know where to see comedy! Yay!”

A couple other clubs I’ve been to that I really like: Punch Line Comedy Club (San Francisco), Harvey’s Comedy Club (Portland), and you have to go to the Comedy Cellar if you’re in NYC. This list makes me think it would be fun to crowd source a list of the best clubs from different comedians around the country to see what they have to say! Some are just way cooler than others.

Not The Best Open Mic Nights In NYC

Time Out New York magazine came out with this list of all “the best open mic nights in New York City,” and, as many open mic comedians such as myself have noted, the list is not accurate. At all. Maybe it’s a marketing thing, but it’s mostly just a list of the biggest clubs in the city. Which, very obviously to comedians, are often some of the worst open mics in the city. The very first one listed, the Comedy Cellar, doesn’t even have open mics!

If you’re looking for good open mics check out badslava.com or freemicsnyc.com. There are tons of great open mics where a bunch of better comics come to try out their stuff…and it’s usually the basement of some bar in Brooklyn, not all the best clubs in Manhattan. Maybe I’ll make a list of my favorite mics one day!

A couple of comics who host great mics made this video calling out Time Out NY for what they’ve done. Funny stuff.

Bottle Openers

Last year, my sister went to the Wimbledon tennis tournament. You know what that is? It’s a tennis tournament. And she brought me back a keychain bottle opener that says “Wimbledon” on it. Which essentially says, “I’m a douche who is prepared to party” which is redundant.

And last year when I graduated college, my mom got me an antique bottle opener, which was cool except I couldn’t use it because I didn’t have any antique bottles to open.

Now, my mom is moving away from my hometown. So, to commemorate the place where I spent the first 18 years of my life, she got me…a bottle opener! I don’t know what it is about me that makes my family think I really need to open bottles. They must think I just have thousands of unopened bottles stashed away in my apartment or something…

But this one is not just any bottle opener, because it has the name and the exact geographical coordinates of my hometown on it!

Which strikes me as the ultimate drunk survival kit. Because you can use it to open up all the beer you could ever want and it also says, “If found drunk and passed out, please return this person to 41.7947 degrees North and 88.0169 degrees West. Someone there will recognize him and will know what to do…even if they haven’t seen him since high school.”

If someone found me in that state, it would be like, “Wow! How’d you get all the way to New York City, fella?! These coordinates are in Illinois! This is gonna be one hell of an Uber ride.”

Jim Norton Quote On Comedy & Art

I found this quote from Norton a little while ago and I think it’s definitely an interesting thought. On one hand I agree, but on the other hand I don’t want to be whiny and all, “COMEDY IS AN ART TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!!” Because you can’t take it too seriously. It’s comedy!

“Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don’t walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don’t like.”

This quote is from Jim Norton’s special American Degenerate. Jim Norton is great because he’s one of the main voices on this subject. He’s also one of the only more political comics who I find really funny.