Shits & Giggles

Sometimes I go to the bathroom just for shits and giggles.

One time I was in a bathroom and I walked up to a urinal and I looked down and the urinal was off to the left. And I thought, “This urinal is wrong.”

And then I thought, “No wait Stu, maybe you’re wrong. Maybe this urinal is perfectly placed for someone whose phallus is slightly to the left.”

And then I thought, “Maybe you’re being insensitive because you have a perfectly centered phallus. And now you’re just being cocky.”

And then a guy walked up to the urinal next to me and said, “Are you okay? You’ve been standing there for two whole minutes.”

Christmas Trees

Do you think Christmas trees know that they’re Christmas trees or one day a lumberjack just walks up to them and goes, “You’re going to die. For Jesus.”

And the tree is like, “What? But I had no previous religious affiliation heretofore!”

And the lumberjack is like, “Well, henceforth you do. Also, it’s the sixteenth century. That’s why we’re talking like this.”

It would suck to be a Christmas tree. You just live your whole life in Wisconsin with all your friends and then you die. All of you. At the same time.

And then you end up in someone’s living room and you’re like “What’s going on? I can’t feel my legs! How am I standing up right now?”

And then someone is just like, “Shhhhhhhhh…I’m gonna put Christmas lights on you. Trust me, it makes sense.”

And then you’re like, “But it’s the sixteenth century…Christmas lights haven’t been invented yet.”

My Name is All Over Long Island City

All over my neighborhood there are these graffiti tags that say “Stu.” Which on one hand makes me wanna be like,”Woah – I did not do that, officer!”

But on the other hand it makes me feel like I own Long Island City, which is pretty cool. I don’t mind owning all of the buildings and streets and cars that go by – I relish the power. People walk down the streets because I allow them to, not because they chose to do so. I let them take the train because I’m a good guy. I own that shit, but I’m humble about it. People bow down to me, but I’m cool about it. One time a man in a raggedy coat knelt down in the trash outside my apartment and I was like, “Oh no it’s totally fine, don’t worry about it.”

But a few weeks ago I noticed a new tag that as put up right next to one of mine. One that says “Randy.” And all of a sudden, more and more “Randy’s” are showing up all over Long Island City. Which makes me feel like I should be watching out for a guy named Randy. Who also lives in Long Island City. Because I feel like one day well just run into each other on the street and I’ll be like, “ARE YOU RANDY?!”

And he’ll be like, “YEAH!! ARE YOU STU?!”

And I’ll be like, “YEAH!!”

And then he’ll be like, “I’m a comic and my graffiti joke is better than yours! You didn’t even consider it from my perspective. Think of how much better the joke would be if you knew that we were both comics. You could say things like, ‘Mannnn, a comic will do anything for some free publicity!’ or ‘We should have been writing our jokes and twitter handles on the wall.'”

And I’ll be like, “Shit. You’re right. I am a pretender to this throne. Long Island City is yours.”

And he’ll be like “Nah dude, whatever.” Cuz we’re just regular dudes, neither of whom actually put up those tags.

I wish I also had a picture of a Randy tag.

Calm Down

No matter how calmly you say it, telling someone to “calm down” has never done anything but make a person less calm.

One time when I was arguing with my my mom as a kid, I remember telling her to “calm down.” She did not react well. After that argument I had a lot of calming alone time in my room.

If you tell someone to “calm down,” the standard reaction is to frantically deny and accuse the opposite. “I need to calm down?! I’m COMPLETELY calm – I’m not the one who needs to calm down. YOU calm down! I’M PERFECTLY CALM!”

It’s tricky; you have to get someone to calm down without letting them know that you know they’re not calm. “Look. We’re both a little amped up. Why don’t we soothe things down with some Miles Davis.”

Otherwise, you’ve entered a yelling match about who is the most calm and you’re both going to look insane if you do that…

“If you were calm, we wouldn’t be arguing in the first place!”

“So I’m always the crazy one! Look at me, everybody! I’m so NOT calm! That’s me: the crazy not calm person!”

“All I said was to please calm down!” 

“I was calm until YOU said that!”

I Like Diggin’ Holes

I had an awesome childhood, I’ve been told. I don’t really remember any of it. The only thing that I remember about my childhood is that I really like to dig holes. I would grab a shovel, go outside, and dig holes in my backyard all day while my brother and sister sat inside reading and furthering their education. My mom would try to get me to read books all the time. She’d be like, “Stu, don’t you want to read a book like your brother and sister?” And I’d be like, “No. I’m busy can’t you see I gotta go dig this hole!” She’d be like, “Why? What are you gonna put in it?” And I’d be like, “I donno, books? That’s not the point!”

See, she didn’t understand me. I thought that digging holes was something that people just did. I grew up in Illinois where there are all these rock quarries all over the place and you’d drive by them on the highway all the time and there’d be these huge pits thousands of feet deep. And I never thought that anybody was digging them for any particular reason, I just thought they were better at it than I was. I was like, “These people are professionals. These people understand me.”

Continue reading “I Like Diggin’ Holes”

Talking to Strangers

I was at Jamba Juice and I ordered a Peanut Butter Moo’d.

And the girl was like, “Ha! A moo for you!”

So I was like, “And my name is Stu!”

And she was like, “Uhh…”

And I was like, “Triple rhyme!”

And she was just like, “…have a nice day!”

This is why I never talk to strangers.