Bottle Openers

Last year, my sister went to the Wimbledon tennis tournament. You know what that is? It’s a tennis tournament. And she brought me back a keychain bottle opener that says “Wimbledon” on it. Which essentially says, “I’m a douche who is prepared to party” which is redundant.

And last year when I graduated college, my mom got me an antique bottle opener, which was cool except I couldn’t use it because I didn’t have any antique bottles to open.

Now, my mom is moving away from my hometown. So, to commemorate the place where I spent the first 18 years of my life, she got me…a bottle opener! I don’t know what it is about me that makes my family think I really need to open bottles. They must think I just have thousands of unopened bottles stashed away in my apartment or something…

But this one is not just any bottle opener, because it has the name and the exact geographical coordinates of my hometown on it!

Which strikes me as the ultimate drunk survival kit. Because you can use it to open up all the beer you could ever want and it also says, “If found drunk and passed out, please return this person to 41.7947 degrees North and 88.0169 degrees West. Someone there will recognize him and will know what to do…even if they haven’t seen him since high school.”

If someone found me in that state, it would be like, “Wow! How’d you get all the way to New York City, fella?! These coordinates are in Illinois! This is gonna be one hell of an Uber ride.”

7 thoughts on “Bottle Openers

  1. Just think about if some kind of apocalypse happens, and the few people surviving drink all the twistable caps bottled drinks, and can’t find their own bottle openers… How popular will you be!!

    “Hey guys, have you heard about that dude who can open bottles AND entertain?”


    Liked by 2 people

  2. What a great gift! All of us drunks should just carry around a pin with our coordinates on it.
    Props on the first line “I’m a douche who’s prepared to party.” too good.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah, Downers Grove. Home of the Tollway Authority. The Illinois Taj Mahal. There’s a whole post right there. Blago bashing them in 2005 for the directors raiding the cookie jar, and then raiding it himself a few years later. How bad do you have to be if Rod Blagojevich calls you out! Our politicians are comedy goldmines!


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