15 Reasons Not To Date A Comedian

I saw this fun little list come up somewhere recently: 15 Reasons to Date a Comedian. And I read it. And it made me think, “eHarmony definitely does not have any comedians on staff.” So, I decided to dispute each of their 15 reasons to date a comedian, hopefully providing people with many more (more realistic) reasons why not to.

Reason #1:

“Comedians want to make people laugh. Get ready to be entertained.”

This just irks me. Comedians want to entertain audiences. They don’t want to entertain individual people. That’s weird and awkward. Yeah, they might make a funny comment here or there in conversation, but they aren’t going to tell you jokes. Unless you’re watching them at a club. And a lot of comedians might not even want you to see them if you’re dating.

Plus, a lot of comedians really aren’t that funny in conversation. They made an act to perform on a stage, not in front of you. It isn’t their job to entertain you; it’s their job to be your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.

Reason #2:

“Comedians see the humor in the otherwise unfunny stuff of life and can look at the same situation from different perspectives.”

Sure, but there’s a dark side to that, too. If your dog just died and your comedian SO grabs your recently deceased pooch, sneaks up behind you holding it up like a puppet, and starts “making it talk” in a devil voice, your reaction might not be: “Wow, way to look at the situation from a different perspective.”

Reason #3:

“Your date will be the life of the party — at the party.”

No. Not true. Stop it. Comedians hate parties. A comedian is much more likely to be the person staying at home, mocking the party than to be the life of it. They’re socially awkward, depressed, and weird people. See Todd Barry: the most monotone, boring person you’ll meet, but a hilarious big time comedian. Were you paying attention when I said comedians want to perform for audiences? Audiences. Not dinner parties.

Also, to be the life of the party at the party, you have to be at the party. When will a comedian be going to a party? Comedians work at night and Friday and Saturday are their busiest nights. If they’re good, they’ll be booked. No life of the party. Comedians have horrible hours for you in general. If you have a regular day job, you’ll never get to see each other. One will work all day, the other will work all night, and you’ll see each other on the weekends if you’re lucky and the comedian doesn’t have a gig out-of-town.

Reason #4:

“At home, however, comedians are often introverted and sensitive. Your steady support will be very welcome.”

Okay first of all, who wants to support people? Let’s be honest here: you want a partner you don’t have to take care of. I don’t understand why this is a positive. Second of all: no. I suppose they can be introverted, but that’s a huge generalization to make about comedians. Comics are the most independent people I know. THEY DON’T NEED YOU! But if they do need you, they really need you because they’re likely to be suicidal depressive. What fun, to feel needed!

Reason #5:

“Comedians are usually following their dreams. You might be inspired to start following your own.”

LOL, really??? For the sake of the relationship, let’s hope not. “What has this relationship been lacking, honey? Oh, I know! We don’t have enough struggling artists!”

Reason #6:

“Is “stand-up comedian” a lucrative job? Not always. But how many people can say that they’re doing what they love? That’s very admirable.”

This is the same as #5! I am not fooled, eHarmony. You’re getting lazy already. And we’re only 1/3 of the way through the list! I agree, it is hard to come up with six reasons why someone should date a comedian. Let’s just give up now.

Reason #7:

“Related: No one will accuse you of being a gold-digger.”

Oh whoa, hey now! Low blow, eHarmony! Low blow…I guess we haven’t given up on the list yet and we’ve resorted to jabs. Look. If you need “can’t call me a gold-digger” as a “reason” to date someone, there isn’t an issue with the people you’re dating – there’s an issue with you.

P.S. Jerry Seinfeld is almost a billionaire.

Reason #8:

“Because of the unstable nature of their careers, comedians appreciate healthy, stable relationships to come home to.”

Ummm so does, like, everyone…

Reason #9:

“Introverts, rejoice. Date a comedian and you’ll have most weekends to yourself!”

Watch a small argument you had during the week transform into fears your partner is cheating on you on the road at a weekend gig! Rejoice!

Comedians will always be on the road, meeting new beautiful people every night. Good luck with that.

Reason #10:

“Comedians share their life stories with strangers every night. They’re good communicators and are willing to be vulnerable with others.”

Guess what that means?! They’re going to tell your life story on stage too! And they’ll tell jokes about your best friends and make fun of you on stage! But hey, that’s how they express themselves. They’re being vulnerable and communicating really personal things about your life to strangers.

Reason #11:

“You can visit your date at work — and actually have fun while doing so.”

You’re going to get so bored watching your partner on stage. You might even get so sick of comedy that you never want to have anything to do with it again. You’ll know all of the jokes and they won’t be funny to you any more. You’ll forget why you fell in love in the first place, break up, and die alone.

Reason #12:

“Your date will introduce you to plenty of interesting characters.”

If you’re a normal person, you probably won’t like them. The high-level concept of sniffing a roommate’s panties definitely is “interesting,” but it might not be awesome conversation within ten seconds of meeting you.

Reason #13:

“Your friends will think your significant other is hilarious. Related: Bragging about your date’s newest comedy routine will do him/her good.”

No one has ever bragged about me doing anything. That’s why I do comedy.

Reason #14:

“Not every comedian exploits his personal life in his act. Most will outline boundaries with you. (Jerry Seinfeld doesn’t diss his wife on stage, and he’s done okay for himself.)”

This is like saying, “Not all people who beat animals also beat their partners; you should date people who beat animals.” Boundaries are meat to be crossed. That’s comedy. Also, have you seen Seinfeld’s wife? What does he have to complain about? He’s fricking Seinfeld.

Reason #15:

“A common love language for comedians? Words of affirmation. Build up your partner verbally, and you’ll likely be the recipient of praise, too.”

This is a tip for being in a relationship with a comedian. This is not a reason! Stick to the script, eHarmony! I know you committed yourself to 15, but that’s just because you like round, shiny numbers. Give it up! Let’s be precise here. You don’t have fifteen reasons; you have fourteen bad reasons and one bad tip.

 

Bottom line, a comedian will care about the comedy more than you, making them the ultimate worst partner. Don’t date a comedian: laugh at one.